Battlefield of the Heart Page 18

  “Danny, let them splint your hand,” she said calmly. He gave no sign he heard her, so she just repeated herself until he looked at her. “Let them treat your injury. There’s no need for you to suffer.”

  He stood completely still, his face filled with anguish. “I deserve worse for ever hurting you.”

  Cindy blinked away her tears as she walked toward him. “No, you don’t. You thought you were saving my life. That’s something you should be proud of. My wrist breaking was an accident.”

  He took a hesitant step forward. “I want to protect you, not hurt you. I’d rather die than hurt you.”

  “You thought you were protecting me.” She wrapped her arms around him, praying it would prove to him she wasn’t mad. The tension in his body made his muscles as taut as steel cables. “My getting hurt was an accident. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me.”

  He finally embraced her, holding her close as he spoke in a raw voice. “I want the flashbacks to stop, Cindy. I can’t be anything to you like this. I don’t know why you don’t leave me.”

  How could she get through to him? She framed his face with her hands and looked deep into his damp gray eyes. “You mean a lot to me just the way you are, Danny. Don’t ever believe otherwise.”

  A doctor stepped closer. “Will you let us splint your hand now?”

  Danny glanced at him then returned his attention to Cindy. She could tell he wanted to refuse treatment, but she couldn’t stand the thought.

  “Please, let them treat your hand. You’re suffering enough already, and it’s killing me to watch you refuse to let the doctors help you.”

  He pulled her close and placed a gentle kiss in her hair. “I’m sorry.” He released her and turned to the doctor. “You can splint my hand.”

  “Okay, why don’t you sit down?”

  He took Cindy’s uninjured right hand in his uninjured left and led her to the gurney. Then he sat on the edge and looked up at her as the doctor and a nurse rolled a tray over. “Will you stay?”

  She gave his hand a squeeze and sat down beside him. “I’ll stay as long as they’ll let me.”

  As the doctor went to work, something damp touched Cindy’s hand. Looking down, she discovered blood on Danny’s hand. Her heart pounded as she lifted her gaze to meet his. “Danny, you’re bleeding.”

  He glanced down and shrugged. “Not that much.”

  The doctor stopped working on his hand, his expression concerned. “You may have done some damage when you pulled out that IV. Let me see your arm.”

  Cindy stood and moved out of the way as a nurse stepped closer. She stayed where Danny could see her as another nurse washed the small amount of blood off her hand, but he seemed willing to let the doctor do whatever he wanted. She wasn’t sure if Danny’s sudden compliance was a good sign or not, but at least he no longer seemed inclined to put his health at risk by arguing over treatment. After a moment, the doctor went back to work on Danny’s hand, and the nurse put a bandage on the bleeding spot before cleaning up the rest of his arm and starting a new IV.

  “Try to leave this one in, okay?” the nurse said, taping the needle in place. “You need the fluids.”

  Danny nodded and met Cindy’s questioning look. “They said I’m pretty dehydrated.”

  The doctor looked up. “You’re also a little malnourished, but a few good meals should take care of that.”

  Cindy returned to her seat and leaned against Danny when he put his arm around her. “You didn’t eat while you were gone?”

  “I don’t know. I guess not.”

  After the doctor and most of the nurses left, Danny examined the splint immobilizing his hand and wrist. “They think I might need surgery on it.”

  “Just from punching a mailbox?”

  He lowered his hand under the watchful gaze of a nurse and shook his head. “No, I messed it up some more when they first tried to splint it.”

  “Oh, Danny.” Cindy’s eyes flooded, and she embraced him. An ache settled deep in her chest as she realized how poor his mental state was for him to be willing to injure himself even more while trying to avoid medical treatment.

  He leaned back, and she released him and stood as he stretched out on the gurney. He took her hand, and she sat down again as she met his haunted gray eyes.

  “I am so tired, Cindy. I just want to sleep forever, but the nightmare never stops.”

  She pulled her hand from his and gently stroked his hair.

  Moisture filled his eyes, but for once, he didn’t try to hide it from her. “I want it to stop. I want to be who I was before. I want to be able to promise I’ll never hurt you again. But I can’t. I could flash back to anything. I never know what’s going to happen.” He reached up and gently touched her jaw. “You are the most important person in my life. You make me wish more than anything that I could be normal. But I’ll never be normal again. You shouldn’t waste your time with me. You’re too special for that.”

  Cindy continued stroking his hair, praying he could accept that she cared. “I’m not wasting my time with you. I knew going into this relationship that you have problems. I don’t care about that. What I do care about is you. Now that you’ve told me what you want, you need to hear what I want.”

  He shook his head. “I can’t give you anything.”

  “Yes, you can.” She lowered her hand and placed it on his chest, feeling the even but quick rhythm of his heartbeat. “I want you to promise me that you will be honest with the therapists. I want you to take any medication they give you and take it the way it’s prescribed. I want you to quit seeing yourself as less of a man than you used to be. Yes, you’re dealing with PTSD, but that doesn’t make you less of a man. It just makes you different.” She leaned close and kissed his rough cheek before looking into his eyes again. “And that different man is the one I fell in love with. It would be wonderful if you never had another flashback or nightmare, but I love you no matter what.”

  A faint glimmer of hope shone in his eyes as he reached out and pulled her to him. She didn’t care that he reeked of sweat and unwashed body. All that mattered was that she’d finally gotten through to him. For the moment, anyway. Her research into PTSD let her know she was fighting a never-ending war. She’d won this battle, but there would be others.

  She curled up next to him and laid her head on his shoulder as the nurse slipped out of the room. “There’s one other thing I want, Danny.”

  “What is it?” He settled his arm around her and held her closer.

  “I want you to tell your parents the truth. I don’t know how much you’ve told them, but I know you’ve told me things you haven’t told them.”

  “How do you know that?”

  Cindy lifted her head to meet his gaze. “Your mom told me what you were saying when the police picked you up. She thought you felt guilty about a misdirected artillery round. I told her the truth.”

  “No.” He shook his head, his face filled with fear and emotional pain. “They’ll hate me now. No one can love a child killer.”

  She laid her hand on his chest, noting his increased heart rate, and spoke calmly. “I’ve told you before you are not a child killer. It was an accident, a mistake any of the guys in your squad could have made. From what you said, they all thought there was a sniper in that window, too. And you forget that I love you, so you’re not unlovable. Your mom is worried about you, not angry. I bet your dad will feel the same way.”

  He shifted his gaze to the ceiling, tears slipping from his eyes. “They already worry too much. I didn’t want them to have to deal with my guilt as well.”

  She hated that she’d caused these tears, but she had to take the hard road on this one. “You need their help and support just as much as you need mine. Weren’t you told to talk about what happened while you were in the army so you can get better?”

  “Yeah, but that’s something I can’t talk about! It hurts too much.” He looked at her with such raw pain in his expression that it brought tears to her
eyes. “What if I have flashback and take out another child?”

  “We’ll have to pray that doesn’t happen.” She gave him a hug and wished she could give him the reassurance he needed. Unfortunately, she knew as well as he did that anything could happen when his mind had him living in the past. “I’m not saying you need to tell everyone you meet. You don’t even have to tell your friends. But your family needs to know. They love you, Danny, but they can’t help you deal with the pain if they don’t know you’re suffering from it.”

  He didn’t respond, and she just lay there with him, willing him to feel the love of his friends and family. She hoped that love could bring him a little of the peace he so desperately needed.

  He tightened his arm around her. “You’re good for me. You make me face the things I don’t want to face.”

  “As long as you know it’s just because I care.”

  “I do.” He kissed the top of her head. “I may not have said it, but I love you. I didn’t think it was possible for me to feel anything other than guilt and depression, but I feel love for you. What I don’t know is if you really understand what I’m facing with the PTSD.”

  “I’ve done research on it,” Cindy said, listening to him breathe. “I’m well aware it’s going to be rough, but I’m willing to help you however I can.”

  “Just be you. You’ve done more for me than any of the therapists I’ve seen.”

  She looked up at him, a little concerned by the statement. “You’re still going to see them as long as they think you need counseling.”

  “Yeah, but they couldn’t make me feel again. Only you managed to do that.” He gave a short laugh. “Would you believe I actually felt happy the other day when we were playing miniature golf? I was so stunned, because I didn’t realize I hadn’t actually been happy all those times before. It was such a great feeling, and then all of this happened.”

  “Once they regulate your meds, I’m sure it’ll be easier for you to feel happy. For now, just concentrate on what it felt like rather than on the depression.”

  “I’m working on it,” Danny said as the door opened.

  His parents stepped inside, their eyes red-rimmed but dry, and Josh followed. Cindy sat up, but Danny continued to lie there. Josh ran his gaze over them.

  “You guys make a great pair with a cast on one and a splint on the other.”

  “Yeah.” Danny’s voice held very little inflection, and Josh’s grin faded. “Hey, we never served together in Iraq, did we?”

  Josh stepped closer to the gurney. “No, why?”

  “I remember you being there during a sniper attack.” Danny sighed and closed his eyes. “I must be crazier than I thought.”

  Cindy gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze as Josh spoke. “No, I think you’re remembering this last flashback or at least part of it.”

  Danny’s eyes sprang open. “What? I never remember them, not until reality starts seeping in again, anyway.”

  “At the beginning of this one, you saw a bomb. Then once it had been taken care of, you saw a sniper shooting at us,” Josh said, studying him. “What do you remember about the sniper attack?”

  Danny closed his eyes, as though to aid his concentration. “Someone started shooting at us. I shoved my closest friend in my squad down, then I shoved you down so you wouldn’t get hit. Alex was there, too, safe behind a car with me. I served with him for a while, so remembering him being there doesn’t surprise me.” He opened his eyes and turned to Cindy. “My buddy got hit, and I looked over to see Josh tending to him. But it wasn’t my friend, was it? That was you. That’s when your wrist got broken.”

  She nodded and blinked back the moisture in her eyes. “That’s right. I hit my wrist on one of those metal barriers around the miniature golf course, and Josh checked it out.”

  “What else do you remember?” Tom said.

  “I don’t know. It’s kind of hazy after that, but I know I went after the sniper.” Danny looked around at them, a glimmer of hope shining in his eyes. “It’s a good thing that I can remember some of it, right? Since I’ve never done that before.”

  “It’s a very good thing,” Linda said, stepping to his other side.

  Cindy laced her fingers with Danny’s and gave him a smile. He studied her for a long moment then withdrew his hand and slipped it into his pocket. He pulled out his keys and handed them to her.

  “Could you pack up the stuff in my dorm room? Greg can tell you what’s mine.” He reached up and touched her cheek. “The keys for my truck are on there, too. You can use it and—”

  He lowered his hand as a distant look came to his eyes. She watched him closely, recognizing the look. He got it when he remembered something from his time in the army, something that bothered him. She laid her hand on his chest. “Danny, talk to me. What are you thinking about?”

  He shifted his gaze to her, and his eyes misted over. “Remember that photo I showed you? Of my squad and the mangled Humvee?”

  Cindy thought back to the first time she met his parents. Sympathy flooded her at the memory of the photo. “Is that what you’re thinking about?”

  He nodded, his hand seeking out hers. “I was supposed to be one of the drivers. I didn’t feel up to it, so I gave the keys to Philly. He drove the first Humvee, and I rode in the second. Philly was the one on the ground with those three guys…”

  She caught his line of thinking. She leaned over and gave him a hug as she whispered in his ear, “Danny, you know that’s not going to happen to me if I drive your truck.”

  “Yes, but—”

  She straightened and looked him in the eye, praying it would put a stop to his worry if he saw her certainty. “There is no but. That’s not going to happen here.”

  He nodded and looked toward the door. She turned, noticing Danny’s parents and Josh watching them with speculating looks. Had they not realized she’d learned a lot about dealing with Danny’s problems?

  A nurse stepped into the room, and Cindy could see two paramedics waiting in the hall with a stretcher. The nurse moved toward the gurney. “Okay, Danny, your ride is here. Let’s get you moved.”

  Tom, Linda, and Josh went into the hall to give the paramedics room to work. Danny kept a tight hold on Cindy’s hand, so she stayed with him as the nurse and paramedics got him settled on the stretcher. He kissed her fingers as they secured the straps around his legs.

  “Come see me. My parents can tell you how to get there.” Uncertainty filled his eyes. “If you want to come, that is.”

  She gave his hand a squeeze. “You know I’ll come see you as often as I can.”

  His features cleared, and he nodded. “Drive my truck. You can just keep using it until I come home. I want you to have easy access to transportation.”

  She stayed by his side as the paramedics wheeled him out of the room. His parents said they’d meet him at the VA hospital, and Josh promised to let the other veterans know what was going on. Cindy gave Danny one last hug before they took him outside, and he held her tightly.

  “Will you come down with my parents? They’ll ask a ton of questions about what happened Saturday, and you were there.” He released her and looked into her eyes, vulnerability showing in his. “And I want you to be there with me.”

  She laid her hand on his jaw, praying it would reassure him. “I’ll be there.”

  He nodded, and the paramedics wheeled him out. Linda stepped up beside Cindy and put an arm around her shoulders. Cindy swiped at the tears in her eyes as she glanced at Danny’s mother.

  “He wants me to go with you guys down to the VA hospital.”

  Linda gave her a small, sad smile. “I think that’s an excellent idea. I have a feeling he needs you to be there, if he hasn’t told you already.”

  “I got that feeling, too.” Cindy shifted her attention to Josh, noticing he looked somewhere between pained and depressed, his gaze a little distant. It was similar to the look Danny got when he was remembering something he’d rather forget. “Josh, are
you okay?”

  He brought his attention to her and nodded. “Yeah. I was just thinking. But, you know, I should be asking if you’re okay.”

  “I’m doing a lot better now than I was yesterday. Knowing where Danny is and that he’s getting the help he needs takes a great weight from me.”

  “I’m glad to hear it. I know how worried you’ve been.” Josh turned to Tom. “You’ll make sure she gets back to her dorm safely?”

  “Of course,” he said with a smile. “You go on and let Danny’s friends know he’s going to be okay.”

  Josh turned to Cindy. “I’ll see you later.”

  He walked away without waiting for a response, and she wondered if he was as okay as he claimed.

  Her thoughts shifted back to Danny as she walked with his parents out to their car. Going through the intake process with him would be interesting; she’d never visited anyone in a psychiatric ward, let alone helped a person get checked into one. Plus, the VA hospital was an hour away, and she didn’t know what his parents would have to say during the drive there and back. With any luck, it would be a peaceful trip. She was certain they finally realized she wasn’t going to abandon their son just because he had problems.

  Chapter Nineteen

  The size of Roudebush VA Medical Center stunned Cindy. It was more than just a simple hospital. The complex housed a hospital, a horde of doctors’ offices, clinics, the psychiatric ward, and the ER she and Danny’s parents were walking toward.

  “Now, honey,” Linda said as she fell into step with Cindy, “the psychiatrist is going to ask a lot of questions. Some of what Danny says might shock you or even scare you, but remember that he’s still the same Danny you’ve spent so much time with.”

  “I know.” Even after talking during the entire hour-long drive, she still hadn’t convinced Danny’s parents his mental health problems weren’t going to scare her off. “I’m going to miss him while he’s down here, but like I’ve been saying, I’m in a lot better shape just knowing where he is.”